Neighbours- Getting Deliberate

In November (click here for the whole story) I felt like the only time I related to my neighbours in the court was either by accident, or when our kids were misbehaving. After I finished brewing over the "big"incident, I decided it would be easier just to let my expectations of having deliberate relationships here go. And so for the past few months, I have gone about my life, interacting and trying to be friends, but not expecting much.

Well, three weeks ago another incident happened that really upset me. It wasn't a big thing, but another parent came and talked to us (which I was glad for) about something Joel did. But because of the language barrier and the fact that I had just returned from Calgary that afternoon, I misunderstood the other parent and assumed they said the kids couldn't play together anymore. We were just leaving for homegroup, and so I was trying to contain my frustration and anger and hurt before we left. But it was no use and once we got there, the tears spilled over and I blubbered about the incident and my disappointment with my neighbours.

Okay, to make a long story short, we went over to talk to the other family the next day, cleared up the misunderstanding and expressed our disappointment with the lack of community here. We had been waiting for those that had been here longer to open up and initiate a relationship. So that week we were invited out for lunch by the family, we started bringing treats over, the kids were playing better together, but we still hadn't met as families to discuss the issues that loomed over our heads.....

Until Wednesday, when Budi came by and said that it would be good for the three families to meet. I was SO glad. Finally, communication!

So I went over to Yoshi's house with Budi (the other three spouses weren't around), and we started to talk about how we can help our kids play together and how we as parents can understand each other. It became very apparent that the three families have very different parenting styles, very different ways of dealing with their children, and very different cultures. How could we make this work?

All six of us met at our house yesterday and continued the discussion. What do we want to see here in the courtyard? What needs to change? How do we work as a team? How can we raise our children and still respect each other's cultures? It was kind of neat as we talked, the speaker would pause, Yoshi would translate in Japanese for Makiko, Budi and Lily talked in Indonesian, and Carl and I whispered in English; all of us trying to clarify to each other's spouse what was just said. And then the next thought would be expressed....

After 2 hours, I came away with a new understanding of how different Japanese, Indonesian, and Western culture is. We really wrestled with the issue of hitting and rough play. Some felt that it wasn't acceptable at all, others felt that it was okay, as long as the children knew when to stop, and some felt there was no problem at all. And the differences were a manifestation of very different cultural viewpoints. I'll explain as best I can.

In Western culture, it is a guilt society where if you hurt someone, you are guilty and are punished, and then out of that punishment, you feel bad. But in Asian culture, it is a shame society, where if you hurt someone, you feel guilty because of the hurt and shame you caused your family, and therefore you learn and that is the punishment. So physical roughhousing is seen as positive in Asian culture because it's the way you learn limits (both physical and verbal) to what is acceptable and what will not bring shame upon yourself. Interesting eh?

But unfortunately, we aren't in Asia, we are all pacifists, our kids have been living (or adapting) in the guilt society, and we are still trying to teach empathy. So we need to meet somewhere in the middle. And that's what we did.

This morning, we parents met together, came up with simple ground rules, and then invited all the kids in so that we can all express the new guidelines to them. I think they took it really well, and as parents, we know this is only the beginning. We plan to continue to remind the children, to speak to our own in each of our homes, and then meet again as parents in a few weeks.

I'm really glad that we finally have worked things out. We've opened the doors of communication, we have learned more about our neighbours' culture, and we have a greater appreciation for each other. I am so glad that though it's my natural inclination to lead, someone else took the initiative and started this process.

Now I feel compelled to pay someone in the administration building a little visit and speak to them about having a formal courtyard manager. What we did today as parents should have happened months ago. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.....