Caught in my Pajamas

This past week at our home group, we had an interesting conversation. What was so interesting about it was not the topic for the evening, but an awareness that I came away with. I became more aware of the clothes that I wear.

Clothes? Well, let me start from the beginning. While we were still living in Winnipeg, I remember a day last year that I was home from work with the kids. I had made a hearty breakfast, gotten the kids into their clothes, we all brushed our teeth, but I hadn’t gotten around to getting dressed. The doorbell rang and without thinking, I went to answer it; it wasn’t a big deal since I was wearing my housecoat. Well, who should be at the door but Murray. He came to drop something off for Carl and we chatted at the door. I wasn’t the least bit embarrassed that I wasn’t dressed. At the end of the conversation Murray said, “Well, I hope you’ll feel better soon”. After I closed the door, I laughed to myself, because I realized Murray thought I was sick since I was still in my housecoat!

This past Friday I got up with the kids and we all ate breakfast. I did Kezia’s hair and changed Asha’s diaper. It was at least 10 o’clock and I still hadn’t gotten dressed. There was a knock at the door and Joel answered it. Rhonda from our home group had dropped by to give me a card and a little thing of chocolates. I wanted to go to the door to say thank you to her, but hesitated because I was embarrassed I wasn’t out of my pajamas. I went to the door anyways because I didn’t want to be rude. I thanked her for her thoughtfulness, made a funny comment about my home wear and said goodbye.

And so over the last few days I was thinking about those two situations and wondering why I didn’t feel embarrassed with Murray, but I felt awkward with Rhonda. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Shouldn’t I feel mortified that I was seen in my pajamas by a man?

At home group I shared about how I was and I guess still am, processing my emotions about our move to Fresno. I tried to explain that I felt lost and though I was starting to build relationships, there was still a feeling of uneasiness and loss in my heart. This was a complex loss; was it a loss for my home, for what was familiar, for my friends and family? Then Kevin, who is Rhonda’s husband said, “It sounds like you are mourning the loss of identity”. And that’s when it all made sense to me.

See moving here to Fresno has meant very different things to Carl and I. For Carl, if I can refer back to clothes, he wore a nice pastor outfit for many years. Then one day he took off his pastor suit, and put on a student outfit. It has taken some getting used to this new set of clothes, it doesn’t feel as comfortable as the pastor suit, but over time, the student clothes have become quite a nice fit. But for me, I took off my Teacher pants and my Pastoral blouse and my Council shoes but didn’t have anything else to replace them with. So I guess all I have are my pajamas! And so I’m feeling a bit underdressed.

I figured that I didn’t feel embarrassed for Murray to see me in my home clothes aka pajamas, because literally and figuratively, he had seen me in different outfits. I had a history with him and so it didn’t matter that he saw me in my house coat. But when Rhonda came over and saw me in my pajamas, I felt self conscious because she hasn’t seen me in many different clothes, both literally because we’ve only known her for a month, but also figuratively. People here haven't seen all the outfits that I used to wear.

At home group Kevin continued by saying that sometimes God allows all that we do to disappear so that we can get to the heart of who we really are. So often we define ourselves by all the things that we do. And the things I used to do, the things that defined me, I don’t do those things anymore. My wardrobe has been downsized and all I’m left with are my pajamas, so to speak.

Over the last few days, God has started to show me that I need to understand my identity outside of the things that I do. Maybe those “outfits” I used to wear have been things that I’ve been using to hide behind. Maybe I’ve never taken the opportunity to take a hard look at myself and not just focus on what I do. In time I know that God is going to show me more of who I am.